I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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