I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
