I think im going to throw up on grandma
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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