Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
