new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
