You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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