Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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