you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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