Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
