How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just cut my nipple shaving
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
