apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
