Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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