I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
