Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
