I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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