Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
