I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
