I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
well you can't waste a boner
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
