In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
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Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
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OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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