I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
