My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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