Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
