my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
