20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
