he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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