I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
