seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
