Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
