I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
