I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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