So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
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Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
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Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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