I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
