Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
