I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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