the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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