I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
