I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
