you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
