everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
