Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
