I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
