I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
