i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
