i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
