Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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