On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
