Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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