so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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