True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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