I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I am naked and annoyed.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
