shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
