Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
