This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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