____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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