WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
