does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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