Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
