my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
