Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
