don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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