Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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